the only easy day was yesterday
alone in the dark, bottle in one hand, knife in the other
I recently had deleted my tumblr because i was tired of pouring my soul out to a bunch of people who didnt give a fuck about me, people who called me their friend, as long as I continued to give to them, but when I needed anything were no where to be found, or wouldnt even reply to a text or fb message(though this was not everyone because I had some genuinely wonderful friends too). but tonight… I just really needed to talk to someone.. badly. as I scrolled down first my facebook friends list, then the contact list in my phone I couldnt find a single person who I wanted to talk to, would actually give a fuck or reply, or even that it would be OKAY for me to text at one in the morning. so i remade an account so I could at least let it out.
There is just this huge gaping hole in my chest. I feel so hollow and empty. A big part of it is left from avery. God, how do I still miss her? Its been almost 6 months since we broke up and it feels like yesterday. I still think about her every day, and I just dont know how to make this dull throbbing stop. I dont know why I am having so much trouble, considering how unhappy she made me. Perhaps its still the idea of her I had that I am missing and invested in. Perhaps its all the external factors of my life just leaving me feeling this way and making it harder to move on. No one wants to hear me talk about it any more, and I dont blame them. Hell, im tired of hearing me talk about it..
Maybe because I am just feeling so alone I am gripping at any little strands I can find just looking for some feeling of closeness. I dont know if I have ever felt so alone as I have these last few weeks. Once I got back to my parents house I got completely frozen out and abandoned by almost everyone. Most people dont want to talk to me, or to make any effort to see me. I constantly am trying to reach out to people, set up plans, or just talk. So often these days I get told “im not doing anything, just sitting at home chilling to night” then hear from someone else how they are going out with them. Or people wont even bother replying.
My brothers have been the same. I feel less than welcome around any more, which is fine since I am far away anyways. My brothers constantly do that to me too. Not a single one would go out with me on or since my 21st, and would lie to me about going out. My best friend, who also has really been distancing herself from me, has been invited to parties with them that I get to find out about and then lied to about. No one wants me. As hard as I try, everywhere I go, everything I do, things just get worse. More and more bridges keep being burnt. I have been moving and moving and moving for years now. I cant seem to stay with one group of people for more than a few months. I regret my life. I regret everything. Its getting to the point where I just want to give up forever. I have been so unhappy, and so alone for so long. I am so good at making acquaintances but I cant seem to make friends. I just want to be wanted in a group of people. I want to get invited to thing, I want to not have to FORCE people to be with me. I want to genuinely be a part of a group and be wanted in it. How hard is that?! Everyone else seems to get that so easily, and yet my whole life, as long as I can remember, I am just stuck on the outside. and actually, I just realized, that is why I am having so much trouble with getting over avery, because I honestly saw her as an opportunity to have that. I loved her genuinely, and I also wanted her life. i wanted to be a part of it, because she, more than anyone I know, has had that which I always craved and more. She is the shining example of the life that I have always wanted and I am starting to understand I can never have. God, I am so fucking pathetic. I really should just fucking kill myself.
